the out-pouring was more rapid than the filling

          The adrenaline rush that I experienced, in anticipation of the ship’s arrival that kept me up all hours of the night-the week prior to the ship’s arrival… ran out… The first few weeks the ship arrives in a new country are always hectic- as Mercy Ships hits operational mode- setting up the hospital, un-tethering all the equipment that had to be tied down for the ship’s sail,  training new nurses, training translators, and screening/selecting thousands of patients for surgery.  When the ship sailed in, I was hit with tangible excited, energy of the new crew and those who sailed into Guinea.  I was ecstatic to be reunited with my sailing home.  The summer had been intense; a character building time, a stretching, growing experience, on the front lines in Guinea and my fatigue was palpable. I mustered every ounce of God’s strength to perform my job, mirror the excitement of the crew, and find that “first day of school” excitement which has always been mine when arriving with the ship in a new country, but to no avail… Instead I felt as if I had a bad case of “senioritis.” I was exhausted and worse yet, I felt guilty for feeling this way, which made me feel worse.  My body & mind where in two different places, I was so confused- when I had left the ship in May for Guinea, the ship was in Togo, I had lived on land in Guinea for 3.5 months, but when the ship sailed in, I for some reason still expected to be in Togo. I was looking for my friends that had been a part of the Togo outreach, but were no longer aboard. I looked for the Togolese translators that I had worked with and come to love, but they had remained in Togo.  I mentally planned “trips to this or that place, only to remember those places weren’t in Guinea- they were in Togo….and we weren’t in Togo anymore…but, I knew that…I had been living in Guinea for 3.5 months…”  Mass confusion & exhaustion… The out-pouring was more rapid than the filling…
          I struggled to concentrate; I forgot passwords to my email accounts and phone numbers that I have known for years…I tried to form intellectual sentences and conversations, but my words came out in mixed sentences of English, French, and randomly Spanish.  I didn’t have the energy to teach new translators and I feared if I was squeezed or stretched in any small manner, personally or professionally, what came out may not be pretty…I feared I may burst into tears at any given moment or that I may verbally vomit, my fatigue on those around me who were energized and full of excitement for what God planned to do in Guinea. I did not want to quench the excitement of others on the ship and I definitely did not want this feeling to be communicated to my patients… so felt I had to shelter others from my fragility…I  ate chocolate like I hadn’t had it in 3.5 months (which was not far from the truth), I cried, I ate more chocolate,  I cried more, I hugged my friends that still remained on the ship every chance I got, I cried, ate more chocolate (yes, I know it is a bad idea to “eat your feelings”), cried more, and cried more. The out-pouring was more rapid than the filling…
          I honestly wanted to write and focus on the positive, of the surgeries that had started, the patients that were walking for the first time, the hope that was being restored….but could not… I tried to muster the strength, energy, and mental capacity to inform all of you of what God was teaching me and doing in Africa, but no words came....  I wanted to write… to be upbeat, make you laugh, touch your heart with stories of the incredible things God has done recently through very difficult situations, and captivate you with a great update & report of my life as a missionary nurse in Africa… but I couldn’t write… Mass confusion & exhaustion… The out-pouring was more rapid than the filling…
          I was granted a few days off and sought to travel somewhere- a Western country that would maybe feel like home- a place that I could afford to travel to where there wouldn’t be any jet-lag… God provided a haven for me in Switzerland where a few of my friends, former nurses from the ship were randomly (God ordained) going to be… it would be ideal to spend time with them…they understand the life of a missionary nurse, I wouldn’t have to explain myself to them if I randomly burst into tears in a supermarket, and I could find some fresh air, peace, and rest. 
          It was pure heaven to be in Switzerland…There were sun-flower fields that reminded me of my birth-place, Kansas. The fields of corn and farm land reminded me of South Dakota, where I spent many months as a child visiting my grandparents, uncle, aunt, and cousins.  The mountains reminded me of the Rocky Mountains that trail through Idaho & Canada, where I grew up & studied nursing.  The green foliage and quaint villages reminded me of New Hampshire & Vermont.  It was magical- I was in so many of my “homes” even though abroad.  I slept in, laughed, took walks in the shadows of the Alps, felt the cool, fresh, breeze upon my face, smiled, drank clean water from the tap, ran barefoot in the grass, not fearing transmission of tropical diseases or parasites, I had electricity, fresh produce, long hot showers, and I could walk down the street alone and without being asked to give more of myself.  “He made me lie down in green pastures & lead me beside quiet waters…” (Psalm 23:2).
          When I got off the plane from Switzerland and walked back into Africa- my eyes again filled with tears and I sobbed. He truly had “led me by quiet waters and let me lie down in green pastures…but my soul was not restored…” My 9 day vacation had not been long enough… I cried more…surrounded by amazing friends and co-workers I took a few more days to decompress…and cried more….I should have written-…but rationalized that it would not be good to needlessly worry you on my behalf…I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me…I wanted to protect you from feeling helpless- not being able to offer me any tangible help with my current situation… 
 

“All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered, “peace be still”
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered, “peace be still”
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child”

Lyrics to the Song “Sometimes He Calms the Storm” by Scott Krippayne

          As the literal and figurative waves crashed against my ship/home in Africa & my life, I cried…I was exhausted, still loved my work, the people, the ship/my home abroad, but was exhausted…but  “because of God’s great love, I was not consumed, his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. I said to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore, I wait for him” (Lamentations 3: 22-23). I waited on the Lord asking for more strength and a refreshing wind to fall on my spirit, but it wasn’t coming fast enough. The out-pouring was more rapid than the filling…
           No fear- …. although “hard pressed, crushed, perplexed, and struck down, I AM NOT DESTROYED” (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)! And although the out-pouring was more rapid than the filling…I am home now for a filling….My filling is for his Glory- & it is my honor to share all I have with you- Africa! I’ll see you in the New Year!