Reality

My heart is very heavy today. I have never been one to hide my feelings or pretend like everything is okay, so I won't start now. This blog is where I leave my thoughts, happy, or sad. Hopefully, most days my thoughts will be happy, but there are days when things are not always sunny. I am physically well, I am not homesick, or seriously having trouble, but I am having difficulties with the reality of life and the entire situation of life in Africa. It is hard to put my thoughts into words. I have had two very intense nursing shifts. I been caring for a young patient with an acute, serious medical condition, but because of limited resources, such as technology, pumps, and doctors, the care this patient needs does not happen quickly. It is as if I am watching a ticking time bomb. Yesterday, I knew something was wrong with my patient, but was helpless to do anything for him. This is very hard to deal with because I am a perfectionist, I give 110% in everything I do and honestly, I can give 200% here and it won't make a difference without certain supplies. This situation leaves me feeling helpless, angry, sad, confused, hurt, and frustrated. I think, if I was working in the USA still, I could have fixed this or that would not have happened. It is hard to adjust to nursing in Africa. And working on the Africa Mercy Ship is very unique in that we speak English, we have modern luxuries like Internet, TV, and chocolate, but things are not the same. So, I feel as if things should happen a certain way on the nursing units, but they don't because we are in Africa and without a lot of modern supplies. If you are lost in what I am saying, don't worry, I am confused myself. I spoke to a wise women (my mom) and we formulated this idea. Nothing really brilliant, but I needed reminded of it. In America, I feel more in control of things, such as patient care and health. I can quickly address issues with medications or technology, so I "feel" like things are okay and I "feel" I am really helping. But, in reality God is in charge of everything. God is in charge of my patients in the USA and my patients here. In the USA I just have more to distract me from that fact and give me a false sense of control. But, at the end of the day, GOD IS IN CONTROL IN AFRICA & NEW HAMPSHIRE, GOD IS IN CONTROL EVERYWHERE. the reality is just more intense when distractions are gone. My roommates and I have been reflecting on the fact that we are thankful God gave us sensitive,caring hearts aware of the pain in the world. But, we have also noted how much easier it is to stay home, it is easier to not have to look the situation in the eye. I thank God that he has given me the heart and desire to make a difference, but man, it sure would be less painful, and intense if I didn't care so much. All that to say, I am learning a lot here already. NO worries. I am eating, sleeping, and I had my first dish of ice cream yesterday. But you can pray for my faith to increase, pray for my head knowledge to connect with my heart knowledge, and pray for me to put aside my idea of how things should work. Love ya!